Individual Growth

The other day, I saw an ex-roommate that I, for lack of a better phrase, had a falling out with. In the early days of our friendship, I genuinely considered him a really good and close friend but after certain situations, things just changed and a rift had formed of which I could not traverse - whether because of my stubbornness or a desire to not get hurt any further. He had always said some negative things about people he/we knew, which always concerns me because I wonder what such a person would say about me when I'm not around. I pushed these concerns aside until I heard some things said about me that weren't necessarily that hurtful but in my mind, were said for the sake of saying something negative, which in itself is a character flaw that cannot really be easily fixed or managed.

Presently, I don't still care about what has happened, and part of me wanted to stop him and say, "Hi," but I felt that at this point, it was not my job to initiate a reconnection. In the past, I've usually been the one to try to rekindle a friendship but I realized there wasn't much point to do so if the other person didn't want to put in the same amount of effort. I say that I don't care per se but I still feel a tinge of pain or anger or maybe it feels more like betrayal; it could also just be disappointment in believing someone was different and that someone was so easily able to let go of a friendship that at one point was pretty damn good. But I guess regarding the latter, the same could be said of me.

Looking back, I think there was a lot of mutual fault rather than one-sided and I'm still not that strong a person to pick up and try again because rejection will always be quite the bitch. Maybe one day, I'll be able to leave everything behind and live without regard for rejection and loss when the eventual outcome could result in something renewed.

I always feel a bit of sorrow over lost/diminished friendships but it's just how life goes. We come in and out of each others' lives, we choose different paths, and we either change together or independently - and after all that, whether that means we can come together, co-exist, and have a stronger friendship or not distinguished the people that I have kept in my life.

My uncle and cousin are two of the friendliest, most personable people I know. They rarely dislike anyone and when I hear them say that someone has done them wrong, then I wholeheartedly believe without question that said person was at fault; I want to be that kind of person one day but I'm not quite there yet.

Labels: friends